When Respect Isn’t Mutual: Calling Out Double Standards in Relationships
Some truths are hard to hear because they expose where we have been avoiding responsibility. This is one of them.
Men in our community are bringing the same story again and again: chronic disrespect, public shaming, and a double standard that expects men to absorb whatever their partner dishes out. When they finally stand up for themselves, they get labeled as the problem.
This is not about making women wrong or men right. It is about holding one standard of mutual respect and personal responsibility and refusing to participate in anything less.
What a Double Standard Looks Like in Real Life
Emotional dumping becomes “your job to take.” Rage, name-calling, and belittling are excused as “feelings.”
Scorekeeping and shaming replace appreciation. “What do you even do?” aimed at men who work, parent, and carry the load.
Entitlement masquerades as love. “You owe me because we’re married,” while refusing personal work on health, mindset, or contribution.
Reactive abuse traps you. You get poked until you react, then your reaction is used as evidence against you.
Call it what it is: disrespect turned up to 11. Abuse is not only physical. Verbal and emotional abuse count, and they corrode families from the inside.
Why You Freeze: The Fear Under the Pattern
Many men were trained as boys to keep the peace. Angry parent. Withholding love. Walking on eggshells. That conditioning shows up today as a deer-in-the-headlights response when your partner escalates.
You cannot nice-guy your way out of abuse.
You cannot over-provide your way into respect.
Spine and Courage: The Standard You Hold
Spine means you know who you are and what you stand for.
Courage means you act on it even when your knees shake.
One Standard: Adults communicate without abuse. Always.
Boundaries That Actually Work
Healthy boundaries are about your behavior, not controlling someone else’s.
Use this sequence:
Notice the whoosh. When the surge hits your chest and head, that is your stop sign.
Regulate first. Breathe low and slow, relax your jaw, and shoulders down. Speak less, not more.
State the standard.
“I want to solve this with you. I will talk when we are both respectful.”Disengage with dignity.
If the disrespect continues, walk away calmly. No eye rolls. No last word. Return when both are steady.Be willing to act.
If the pattern is chronic and change is refused, quietly get support, talk to a professional, and prepare a plan. Time and self-respect are not renewable.
This is leadership, not punishment. Practiced consistently, it often resets the power dynamic and increases safety for everyone.
Modeling for Your Kids
Your children are learning from you every day.
Daughters learn what to expect from men.
Sons learn how a man handles intensity.
Staying calm, setting standards, and refusing contempt teaches strength with heart. Remaining in public disrespect teaches weakness and fear.
When the Complaint Is Really a Mirror
It is common for partners to project their dissatisfaction. If you are taking care of your body, leading at work, doing your inner work, and your partner is neglecting herself, her criticism may be a displaced plea. You can care about her well-being without accepting disrespect.
Invite responsibility, not dependency:
“I want you to feel good in your body and life. I will support you. I will not be your backstop for self-neglect or disrespect.”
Three Practices to Start Today
One breath, one choice: Inhale 4, exhale 6 before any response.
Two lines ready:
“I’m here to work this out. I will not stay in a disrespectful conversation.”
“I’m stepping away to calm down. I will return when we are both steady.”Three anchors: Unclench your jaw. Lower your shoulders. Soften your eyes.
Repetition builds a new default: steady, clear, unshakable.
Bottom Line
Double standards die when you stop participating in them.
Hold one standard of mutual respect. Lead with presence. Walk away from abuse. Return with clarity. Repeat until the relationship grows up or you do what is necessary to protect your life and your kids.
You do not have to do this alone.
Ready to reclaim your self-respect and lead with strength?
Get the tools, the reps, and a circle of men who will hold you to your standard.
👉 Book a free call with Geoff or Mark, first one's free: https://theundauntedman.com/coaching
Come ready to tell the truth. Leave with a plan and a spine you can feel.
